Professor Knowsall

By Larry A. Kayser

The low price should have warned me. I spotted it near the video games at the electronics store. Professor Knowsall. Any question. Any problem. Get all the answers in seconds. Only $5.99. Wow! With this, homework would be a snap. I rushed home and loaded Professor Knowsall into my computer. I could ask questions through the microphone so I would not have to type at all. Since I was going to save so much time, I first sped through some Xtreme Moto-Skateboard Challenge races. Then I started up Professor Knowsall with a simple question. “What is the capital of Ohio?”

“COLUMBUS,” was instantly displayed.

This is great, I thought. After escaping from the Crypt of the Zombies, I began my history homework. It would be easy for Professor Knowsall. “Who discovered America?” I asked.

“COLUMBUS”

Huh? “I asked who discovered America. I didn’t ask about Ohio.”

“HE SAILED FROM SPAIN.”

“Who did?”

“CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.”

“But Ohio is not in Spain. Besides, isn’t he the one who wrote that Gettysburg Address thing?”

“LINCOLN”

“What about Lincoln?”

“LINCOLN IS THE CAPITAL OF NEBRASKA.”

This was too weird. “How did we get from Ohio to Nebraska?”

“STAGECOACH?”

Hoo boy. It was going to be a long night. After a close shave with the Barber Gone Bonkers, I went back into Professor Knowsall. “Okay. So Columbus discovered America. When?”

“WHEN WHAT?”

“When did Columbus discover America?”

“WHICH COLUMBUS?”

“The Columbus who discovered America, you dippy lump of stupidware!”

“IF I’M SO DUMB, THEN WHY ARE YOU THE ONE ASKING ALL THE QUESTIONS?”

It was time for a break. Plucking the Chaotic Chicken helped me to calm down. Then I tried some science on Professor Knowsall. “What is water made of?”

“SHIPS”

“What kind of answer is ‘ships’?”

“THAT’S HOW COLUMBUS GOT TO AMERICA.”

“But I asked about water!”

“HE USED SHIPS TO SAIL ACROSS THE WATER. HE COULDN’T FLY.”

“Of course not. The airplane hadn’t been invented yet by the Wright brothers.”

“HYDROGEN AND OXYGEN”

“Yeah, those guys. Anyway, all I care about is water.”

“WHY? DO YOU NEED A BATH?”

What I needed was to squash the Slime Slug from Swillrot. That gave me the courage to take a stab at English. “Listen up, you worthless piece of cyberjunk. Which of these sentences is correct? ‘I seen the table.’, or ‘I saw the table.'”

“I’M A COMPUTER PROGRAM. I DON’T HAVE EYES.”

I managed to keep my cool. “‘I saw the table.’ sounds good to me.”

“SO YOU LIKE TO DESTROY FURNITURE?”

“No. No. This is nothing but grammar.”

“I SEE.”

My brain was frazzled. It took me so long to trash the Demonic Dumpster that it was past bedtime. I pleaded with Professor Knowsall, “How am I ever going to get my homework done?”

“WELL, YOU COULD STUDY. EVEN BETTER, YOU MIGHT WANT TO BUY PROFESSOR KNOWSALL, ADVANCED. MORE QUESTIONS. MORE PROBLEMS.”

Before shutting off the computer and opening my history book, I had to ask, “Just how much would that cost me?”

“1492”

- Total nr. of readings: 6,410 Copyright © The author [2020] All Rights Reserved. This story may not be reproduced without the express written permission of the author except for personal use.